shower, veg out on my couch and watch my dvr, try on all my clothes, sneak a smoke out the window, learn to breathe.

It was whenever he sighed and told me he needed another line of cocaine before he could finish our conversation that I knew everything wasn't okay like it used to be.

We found gourds growing on a vine and we took them and threw them and smashed them into the wooden floor next to the words "penis" and the places teen lovers proclaimed their love for one another followed with a date. You know the ones. It sure is nice sitting next to someone who you know won't go. Another being who is bound to you with good and bad memories. Kisses, chicken pox, movies, rain, divorces, blankets. Then later going for drives, drinking coffee, drinking beer, buying each other dinner. I liked the sun on my legs that day, I liked the wind in my hair all while twin girls drowned in the same city.

"Ducks in a Row"

-And I wake up four days later face down in my kitchen hair matted with blood. And then there are tears. And I realize I left the microwave open. I have a gash above my left eyebrow. The blood has clotted, so the cut is sealed and dry. My face is sore. I look at the little black screen on the microwave and then realize I am late for my appointment with the travel agency. And then back to the blood. How am I going to get that stain out before the realtors come to check out the house tomorrow? And then I realize that my car is gone. And then that my paintings are gone, and my jewelry, and my television, and my blackberry, and my china. And then I realize how much time has passed since I was last conscious. That I missed all of my appointments and meetings.

And then I realize that there are no messages on my answering machine.-

"MORE SUPERCITY"

Excuse me sir, I need to get into town tonight. Do you know a way I can get there? I can see it all now. They'll start playing at a quarter til. Their tunes will stroke my hair before entering my ears, and then smooth themselves over my brain. I will tap my toes to that. And sway myself just so. I will melt to that. I will invite them over for a party after the set but, of course, it will be just us. I plan to shrink them with my washing machine and dryer sir. - but I will put them in with the delicates, of course. Don't worry. Once they are dry, I will keep them on a shelf much higher than the others. Definitely way up above Nancy Sinatra. Atop Elvis, above Kurt Cobain. They'll play me the tiniest cutest tunes. So how about it sir? How about that ride?

Archives

Older scribbles and scribes. I know it's a strange combination of work, but each was written on a different day with different feeling.



"11/26/09"

I'm in love with Brazil, because in Brazil smoking cigarettes doesn't cause cancer.
Got a light?
In Brazil, cigarettes are just little breathing mechanisms, something to make your hot chocolate taste a little better.

..and then you get kicked off of the patio for smoking the damned things in the first place.

I haven't had a bad day in a long while. And I'm still singing the blues


"Trinkets"

The day was full of small reminders for me. Strange little memorabilia


Something reminded me of the day this boy was begging to kiss me, begging and begging and begging, and I said no. Not because I didn't wanna, it just wasn't the right timing. But I could tell by his anxious little movements how hard it was to ask so many times, so I made him a deal. "Let me burn you with my cigarette, you pick the place, and then I'll kiss you." I would never do something like that, but he didn't know me very well. I just wanted to see his reaction. He held out his arm, all shaky like, and closed his eyes. Then I kissed him. What a funny, smelly, fantastic boy.

Something else reminded me of this day in Galveston when I was younger. My mom rolled down my window to ask this woman for directions and she ended up being an old wrinkly prostitute. Looking back on this, my mother should have realized what this ghastly woman was doing out there. After all, she was wearing a feather boa and standing on the corner. She was leaned in my window, her face right above mine to where I was staring at her chin. Her voice was raspy, and as she was yelling she was spitting on me. My mom rolled up the window on her, and I cried.

And then of the day we drank malt liquor under the highway. We bought it on impulse and couldn't find anywhere else secretive enough to drink it. Then we laid on the concrete, my clasped hands holding my head, and my purse under my hands. His hand on my stomach. I can picture the way he looked up against the buildings, squinting in the sunlight.
Just a note: You were good to me for those hours. I miss you that day. But not in general. In general, you suck.

"X"

My point is

This is epiphany

The one minute where we realize every single thing

Every single detail we needed for completion

The feeling is so hot in our bellies

Melting our linings and acids and atoms

Under the wool we will go again

Until our bodies move on top and to the floor with the wool

These are mysterious conversations we are having tonight sir

Lovely weather also madam